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Random Recordings
of Mental Meanderings

Friday the 29th of March 2024 10:05:40 AM

October 7, 2007

Stumble It!Not Blogging

Filed under: Pnilosophy,Random Recordings of Mental Meanderings — Eric Ptak @ 8:56 am

I haven’t blogged much lately. I haven’t felt like it. It isn’t that I don’t have anything to write about, it’s that I haven’t feel like writing.

Part of it is because I’ve been busy, and putting in overtime at work. It’s been busy at work, simply because the economy sucks. If anyone says that the economy is doing well, answer me why we increased the number of people on the call center floor by twenty percent? Why is our loss mitigation setup group taking up to thirty days to set customers up for assistance, rather than the customary “two business days”? Why have the increased volumes of people been calling into the floor of the call center? It can’t be because everyone has been doing so swimmingly well. It’s been so busy with people calling in, I’ve had to spend a major percentage of my time each week backing up the floor, in an attempt to keep the average speed of answer down, the abandonment rate down, and the delinquency rate down. I simply have not had the time to do my own work monitoring loans of our soldiers in the military, coaching people on the floor when they make errors or need the assistance, and making referrals to attorneys.

I’ve fallen behind with my work online. I have a lot of software upgrades to do, and that just takes time. Lots of time backing up databases, uploading software, running executables, testing the upgrades and re-opening the sites. It’s a lot of frigging work, all so that people out there can be entertained for a while. I haven’t been checking my stats regularly as I used to, so I can’t even tell you how many hits and page-views per day all my sites get.

I don’t know, maybe I’m going through a mid-life crisis or something. More and more often, I meet people who weren’t even born when I graduated from high school, and now, it’s getting to the point where I’m meeting significant numbers of people who are younger than my tattoo. When I was in high school, I figured that by the time I was as old as I am now, I will have already long since become a millionaire. that disappointment, that failure to achieve that goal has weighed heavily on my mind. I could bitch and complain about all the things that have happened to me that prevented that: the accident, college costs, failed relationships, etc. Realistically, though, it’s been the booze and the pot and the other amenities in life that took precedence over making money.

I’ve quit smoking pot – I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve sparked up a joint. It’s been a year and a half, maybe? Two years since I bought any? And over a year since anyone has offered me some? I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. One of the problems is the way it affects my metabolism. With most people, pot has a calming, mellowing effect. It doesn’t with me, though. It winds me up, gets my heart racing, and makes my mind race so that even if I want to try to sleep, I don’t unless I get myself completely drunk or pass out from sheer exhaustion. That’s not entertaining in the least, and nor is it relaxing to wonder for hours if your heart is going to explode. It just isn’t enjoyable anymore.

Then there’s the drinking. I don’t do hard liquor anymore. No shots, no mixers, none of that stuff. The strongest stuff I drink is the occasional glass of wine. More often than not, I drink beer – and when I do, it’s a lot. I don’t have just a glass, I need my own pitcher, and I can easily down 12-15 pints of beer in a single sitting. The only deleterious effects it has on me is the fact that I have to piss quite often – beer is only rented, you know – and I get tired. I’m not slurring, or babbling on incessantly, making no sense to anyone – including myself. I just fall asleep and wake up dehydrated.

I’ve cut down cigarettes to the point where I average less than a half a pack a day. I should just quit completely. the only time I smoke is when I’m going somewhere, or when I’m drinking. I don’t smoke at home, and I have one cigarette at work, towards the end of my shift. I don’t even smoke that much when I’m drinking anymore. I find myself smoking a half a cigarette, and keeping the shorty for later. It’s also been bothersome feeling my lungs ache in the morning as I’m waking up. That I don’t like, but I have to expect that, considering that I’ve been smoking for over 27 years. Yes, I need to quit. I understand that. I just have to do it. While I think it is an accomplishment that I go through only three packs a week, that isn’t enough. I have to stop completely, nd that’s going to take time to do.

No drugs, no smoking, no drinking. Hell, I’m a different person that I was 20 years ago. Is it any wonder that I’ve been anti-social lately? Is it any wonder that I’ve been sleeping an inordinate amount? It takes time for a body to adjust, when you’ve spent all those years putting all those chemicals and intoxicants into it. It takes a long time to re-train your brain, and get it used to not having those substances to function properly.

I purposely did not use the word “needing” there, and used “having” instead. Why? because none of us need to smoke, or drink, or do drugs. We make ourselves dependent on those substances. We addict ourselves to those things. It takes time to get rid of those addictions.

My biggest frustration of all is the amount of money and time that I’ve wasted participating in those activities. I have no one to blame but myself for doing those things, and I guess I’ve been doing a lot of blaming myself lately. That’s why I’ve been in such a dour mood. When you’re not happy with yourself, it kind of wears you down, both mentally and physically.

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